"There’s a dimension of darkness to his poetry and a personal rhythm to the telling that feels like wings of a bird alternately coasting and beating. It’s momentous and pure and full of energy. It’s clear and exposed in a way that I yearn to express myself." -Ana EggeSo the real mystery is: what happened outside. Am worried that Wendy's is going to close, and that all will be lost in terms of dinner this evening. There's this look in his eyes, sometimes. And am reminded of when I was younger and I first fell in love. If everyone is as scared as I am then the time to be scared is: now. Diaz and I said across the oceans that no one will ever know about these things. And so this blog must stop being in love with him because I have to cut the ropes and stop trying to fix what had a perfectly good reason to be broken. I told him it was always going to be this way. I wonder about those nights he talks about, full of redemption, full of the magnetic pull of us talking, talking, talking. And the cool calm heat of the summer on a balcony. And it was hard enough to get back into that mindset, even harder to see the future. All his love wasted on someone as wasteful as I was. I think he figured out that nothing could be done about it at the time because anyone else who would have loved me would have surely failed at the time. And I wouldn't have it any other way. It was more than some neat little track. It was everything but food at the time. I think I may just be quiet for a little while as the calm settles in between the emails and voice I hear in my head that sounds just like when he was upset with me. He's the boy I met at the blood bank, saying, "Lookit there's yours." And how we resembled each other.
Will publish this soon as I get to the hotel in the afternoon. Stay on while I'm gone!
It's been a why week. And one week. New album. Have spoken to everyone I wanted to speak about about Garrick, and am sticking like tape to the plan I made for the end of June. Hung out with Eve Lom over the weekend and watched our usual tv shows and chick flicks. Went out for fraps and checked out Rebecca Taylor dresses. It's great having a little sister again, home is so much more fun and doing simple things like dinner with family friends has a whole new spin. Saw Carrie for coffee on Sunday after kidzone at Church. Our conversation is always easy and fruitful mainly because of the differences sharing the same Father, having the same love given to us, spills out in our advice to one another and our personal revelations shared. Ps. Linds met me (she's in her fourth month!) late Sunday afternoon for a catch-up even though she was nauseous and told me about the Roman Catholic church and it's rituals, beliefs, and the surface of many theories. As always, she never tells me what to do: only the facts, and what she feels; everything else is left up to me. She does however, stress the importance of choosing a relationship with the utmost care and consideration.
James and I got into a torrid affair on the phone full of confrontation and utter nonsense probably induced by alcohol.I caught myself losing it, and slowed the pace down to something reasonable and kind. We made a plan to speak again in a month's time. And I assured him of my attendance for his Birthday in August. I wrote to Tyler that I never meant for things to turn out this way, being James' brother and all I figure he needs some sort of explanation as to the state of things now. I suppose it had to happen sometime. I just wish when things crashed that I felt more of something, instead of the nothing I'm so used to.
